16 September 2014

Interview with Alex Salmond

'Fifty quid and it's yours'

NW: Thanks for taking the time to speak to us, Alex. You must be very busy now that the referendum is won and Scotland is an independent country.
AS: You're welcome.
NW: So what are the next steps in the independence process?
AS: I have absolutely no idea.
NW: But surely the negotiations are underway, there's a tight timescale, isn't there?
AS: Apart from having a hell of a party, which I'm still suffering from, there's been very little to do.
NW: What about all those issues that need to be resolved?
AS: Listen, pal, I don't do issues. My job was to win the referendum, and I did. End of story.
NW: Are you keeping the pound, as promised?
AS: No, they won't let us. As flaming promised by them.
NW: So what are you going to do?
AS: We won the referendum, that's enough. It's the will of the Scottish people that counts.
NW: How about the EU?
AS: We can apply for membership so that's not a problem. I expect we'll be fast-tracked in. If all goes well I expect we'll get admitted along with Turkey.
NW: When?
AS: Not exactly sure, should be before 2050 though.
NW: And in the meantime?
AS: In the meantime we listen to the will of the Scottish people. That's what counts. We're all better off without Westminster telling us what we can and can't do.
NW: So what can you do about the EU and the pound?
AS: You'll have to ask Westminster, it's all in their hands. Me, I just won a referendum. How good is that? I bet they're all wishing they were me down there. They lost, I won.
NW: Congratulations

photo credit: Scottish Government via photopin cc