After the momentous news from CERN, Northern Writer is proud to release an exclusive interview with Peter Higgs.
NW: Congratulations on CERN finding your boson
PH: Thank you
NW: When did you actually report it missing?
PH: I beg your pardon
NW: How long has everyone been looking for it?
PH: Oh, I see. It's about 48 years.
NW: Wow, that's a long time to be doing without your boson. Did you have anything to replace it with?
PH: I'm sorry, I don't understand
NW: Could you, for example, borrow someone else's boson?
PH: No, it's not like that at all. I wasn't that sure my boson actually existed. It was a bit of a guess, really.
NW: So how much money and time has been spent running around looking for something that you just dreamt up?
PH: Lots. But it's all been worthwhile now they found it.
NW: But a pointless waste if they didn't. Didn't you ever consider the trouble and expense you were putting people to?
PH: It was up to them, I didn't insist they went looking for it. They did it off they're own bat.
NW: Fair enough. Now they've found it, are they going to give it back to you?
PH: A boson?
NW: Sure, it must be worth millions. I bet Bob Diamond already has one.
NW: Will they put it in a nice box?
PH: A boson in a box? Do you understand anything at all about fundamental particles?
NW: Enough to get by.
PH: Then you'll realise that what you're proposing is ludicrous. The boson only existed for a million millionth of a second. It's gone.
PH: Yes, gone. It no longer exists, only the aftermath of its destruction.
NW: So they found it then destroyed it and now it's gone?
PH: Yes, but that's not the point. The fact that it exists at all is what matters.
NW: Or existed
PH: No, you don't understand. They're everywhere. All over the place. They're the glue that sticks everything together.
PH: Afraid so
NW: Well, thank you for your time, our readers will be glad to hear that everyone, not just Bob Diamond, can have their own inexpensive Higgs boson this Christmas. It will probably outsell the Kindle.