Books that made me laugh Part 1

 

1889

Eighteen eighty nine. The Nineteenth Century. And we're in the twenty-first. How can a book so old make me laugh? A hundred and thirty years have passed since it was written and it seems that everything has changed. So, why is it still very very funny?

My answer is that human nature hasn't changed very much at all. Our environment, the way we conduct our everyday lives and the availability of information are very different to the 1880's but people remain people. And humour remains a constant.

It's also heartening in this world of TikTok that books also endure. The written word still provides us with news and entertainment. As a writer, you'll expect me to tell you that nothing beats a good book. So, that's what I'm telling you. Books remain the only way of putting ourselves inside someone else's head. And this is important. Everyone is doing their best, whether we recognise it or not. We can only play the hand that we're dealt. Being party to the thought processes of others is an important route to compassion.

This book is, in the words of the blurb, 'a timeless classic'. More than that, it is laugh out loud hilarious. A remarkable feat that so many aspire towards but fail. Here's the link:

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Three-Men-Boat-Illustrated-Fiction-ebook/dp/B09LRXY2WW/

I challenge you to read the first page and not be amused. The bit where he researches diseases at the library mirrors what we all do on the internet these days. He comes to the conclusion:

"I will not take up your time, dear boy, with telling you what is the matter with me. Life is brief, and you might pass away before I had finished. But I will tell you what is NOT the matter with me. I have not got housemaid’s knee. Why I have not got housemaid’s knee, I cannot tell you; but the fact remains that I have not got it. Everything else, however, I HAVE got."

Next time I'll mention a much more recent book that still makes me laugh. We'll fast forward to 1979!

Heroes Part 2

 

There were a few dusty eyebrows raised when Bob Dylan was awarded the Nobel Prize for Literature. Couldn't they find some who wrote books rather than a pop musician?

My answer would be that not only was the award richly deserved but Bob Dylan is one of the most talented and influential writers that ever lived. He's another of my heroes.

He has the ablilty to tell a whole story, imbue it with emotion and enough sensuous detail to satisfy the most pernickety reader (or listener) within a few lines of lyrics. A feat that would be require many thousands of my words.

The argument that Bob is not read but listened to is a spurious one in the age of audiobooks, don't you think?

Never mind what you think of his music, his songs, his voice or his performances. Read his book, Chronicles, if you remain skeptical.

Chronicles is remarkable not only for its prose but also for the insight it allows into the mind of a very special human being. The man's humility shines from the pages. This is no puff piece. No 'look at me aren't I clever?' memoir.

My abiding impression of his early life in New York is of a young man who reads widely and voraciously. Machiavelli and Plato included. As a musician, he soaks up lessons from everyone he encounters and marvels at their unique styles. He pays his dues, in other words, then makes sure we understand how valuable his experiences are.

Like I said, his humility shines through. It has inspired me to look at the influences on my life and my writing and to give them fuller credit. From my childhood days at Tyldesley Library where I worked my way though the wonderful yellow-jacketed Gollancz published SF books. Alldis to Zelazny. Blish to Sturgeon. Delany, Ellison, Heinlein, Pohl and the rest. Thank you Gollancz, you put me on the right track.

I was sufficiently flexible to seek out a wide range of books. Not just SF but LP Hartley, Huxley, Burgess and Iris Murdoch. Then there were the disapproving looks from the librarians when I asked for Gurjieff's All and Everything (Beelzebub's Tales to his Grandson) which a good Catholic boy had no right to have even heard of let alone try to read.

Stephen King once said that to be a writer you have to be a reader. Bob certainly lived up to that and I'm certain that reading widely has provided me with a solid base for my own work.

I only wish I had Bob's humility to go with it.

Heroes

 

Joe Abercrombie is the best Fantasy author in the history of the world. He's my hero, or rather one of them.

My opinion is personal, of course, and others might disagree but it's based on a pretty comprehensive and long standing fascination with Fantasy. I've ploughed my way through the likes of Donaldson, Jordan, Bakker, Le Guin and Martin. I've read Lord of the Rings out loud to my children. I love Fantasy and there are a lot of wonderful books to choose from. Joe Abercrombie stands head and shoulders above the rest, though.

There's a choice we writers have. A difficult one. Do we avoid writing in the genre we love because of the giants that have already claimed their castles on the mountain top? Or do we use the things we've learned and absorbed to create something of our own?

I met Joe at an event in Brighton where he explained the backgound to his book the Red Country. He said it was based on the Clint Eastwood film The Outlaw Josey Wales. This set me thinking that everything comes from somewhere. All writers share a vast common pool of precedent and what matters is not where the ideas originate but what we do with them.

I love telling stories. That's the basis for what I write. My technique, if I can can call it that, is to drop into a scene and observe what my characters are up to. Then I spend my time following them around until the story has been told. It sounds easy but there are times I wish I had more influence.

So my Fantasy books are very different from Joe's. Just as my thillers aren't at all like Chandler's or my SF like Iain M Banks. 

Writing isn't a competitve sport. I am happy to urge you to read Abercrombie if you haven't already because I'm convinced you'll be very happy you did.

The prompt for this reflection comes from a rather perceptive review from someone in the US who says stuff like:

'DJ Harrison does a wonderful Job of creating a story, that in my opinion, is a very different fantasy!
Filled with Demons, magic, steel and swords....YES!

But the first novels twist is that there is no clear, main character. All of them are so real, that the closest you get are Anti-heros. The human flaws that flesh them out and make them real, mean that they don't stand out in the traditional sense.'

I hadn't thought about the Secret of the Scroll in those terms. As I've indicated, my characters are a law to themselves and wouldn't recognise themselves as any kind of hero protagonist. Just like the rest of us, they're doing their best with the situations that confront them. Interesting.

Oh, the reviewer finishes off by saying:

Fans of Abercrombie will love it!

Which is where we came in.

The Price of Gas

 

The price of gas has increased tenfold. Heating our homes and operating our industries has become enormously more expensive. Ruinously so, perhaps.

However, I reckon the cost of gas has remained pretty much the same.

The cost price reflects the cash needed to extract the fuel from the ground and transport it to the point of use. I doubt there's much difference in cost between now and pre-war in Ukraine. The huge leap in price only reflects the amount people are willing to pay for the stuff.

There's also a lot of talk in the UK about us having 'our own oil and gas'. As a country we have none. We gave it all away long ago to the likes of BP and Shell who are now free to sell it to the highest bidder. And that's where the money is going. Directly into the pockets of already over-rich people who have no need for more money but feel they are entitled to it anyway.

At 20p per therm, the fossil fuel companies were making handsome profits. Now, at 200p per therm, profits have become astronomical.

How can this be? Why should people who can least afford it be paying into the dividend pot for fossil fuel investors?

It's the system. The one we've been told for decades is the only viable way to run the world. We've been lied to. Sold a pup. Exploited.

The biggest contributors to the Conservative Party and individual MP's, apart from corrupt Russian oligarchs, are the construction industry. There's a reason for this.

Let me use the construction industry, with which I am familiar, as an example of the corrupt system which applies equally to every facet of business in the country and, in fact, most of the world.

Land, like the oil and gas beneath it, ought to belong to everyone but it doesn't. Those with the might to claim vast tracts of our country grabbed it while they could. So, most of the surface of our country is controlled by a group of wealthy landowners. Like the Queen. And Chinese investment companies. And the Russian mafia, sorry, oligarchs.

So, what's the cost of land? Not a lot. Especially if you stole it many years ago.

But the price? Agricultural land can be bought for £5,000-10,000 per acre. This reflects the profit that can be made from growing crops. The exact same piece of land with permission for housing will yield over £1,000,000 per acre when sold as plots to house buyers. Our planning system is designed to enrich  housebuilders. Corruption can be no surprise when such enormous profits are involved. Influencing politicians must be extremely good value for money otherwise why invest large sums in political contributions?

In the UK, the cost of a house has little relation to its price. The price, like that of gas, depends entirely on what people are willing to pay. And their ablility to pay is more dependant on the cost of borrowing money from the banks than anything else. Bear in mind that the exact same house in one place can fetch twice the price of one in a less fashionable district. No difference in cost.

I've rambled on a bit. Sorry. I hope you get the picture. Your energy bills are stuffing the pockets of the rich. Corruption ensures this. The media make sure we remain victims because the media is controlled by the mega-rich.

It doesn't have to be like this but it's the way we've chosen. Maybe its time to choose another way.

Tyrant

I'm a writer of speculative fiction. I am not an expert on armed conflicts or the geopolitical history of Europe.

My main job is to create characters who then act out an interesting story. There's a tyrant king in my fantasy trilogy who might be likened to Putin.

This King has to subjugate the population with fear and suppress any form of crtiticism or opposition with the hangman's noose. Yet he lives in constant fear of something coming along that will destroy him. He, like Putin, is implacable in his selfishness.

As I write this the war in Ukraine has entered its fourth day. Kyiv still stands although it seems inevitable that the overwhelming force deployed by the Russians must prevail at some point. 

If this was a situation in a work of fiction that I was writing, I'd be at the stage of wondering what the endgame might be. It's likely that Putin has underestimated the power of the Ukrainians to resist. In my world, he'd now be turning on the generals who promised him a quick victory and holding them to account.

Invasion has created a reluctant hero in Zelenskyy. I doubt Putin anticipated this. The likely scenario Putin was relying on involved a swift run into Kyiv, capture or kill those in the government who hadn't already fled and installation of a puppet government.

Instead a folk hero, one who unites and inspires the whole country and the whole world. has emerged. 

Given this situation, where can a writer take it? Put yourself in Putin's head. Ask yourself what you would do under the circumstances. You might say that he's irrational, mentally unstable and therefore unpredictable and you'd be right. However, I believe that his actions betray his fear of losing power. The encroachment of democracy is an existencial threat and when Ukraine voted to became western-leaning Putin knew his days of being able to resist popular opinion in Russia were numbered.

Zelenskyy standing firm and remaining in Kyiv may be the most significant factor in the whole situation. Putin can no longer cling to the fable that the Ukrainian people will tolerate a Moscow-led government. He's thoroughly pissed off forty million people who, even if he manages to take some form of control in the major cities, will resist using whatever weapons they can get including Molotov cocktails.

It will all boil down to Putin's state of mind, I'm afraid. From what I understand of his character, he will cling on to power at all costs. That means the Russian heirarchy, the oligarchs and the military, will have to oust him. 

At least that's what would make a reasonably believable plot line. Unfortunately, the difference between fact and fiction is that fiction has to make sense. 

Let's pray we get a good ending.

Are you robbing me?

                                       Free!

Free books.

Why on earth would I give away my work?

Bear in mind it took me about seven years to get the Secret of the Scroll from conception to publication. During that period I rewrote it three times and added a second and third book. A conservative estimate of my time would be at least 700 hours. At minimum wage rates that would amount to £7000.

The there's the external costs of making the book fit to read. Editing included several passes of structural, a line edit and two lots of proofreading. The people I use are professionals and have to be paid accordingly. No change out of £2000 for that.

Then there's the cover, formatting etc. Another £500.

Total around £10,000 if you include my time, which, if you ask me, is very much undervalued.

But you can have the product for nothing. How can I justify that?

It's all about visibility. If I do the maths, I need to sell about 5,000 ebooks at £2.99 in order to break even.

That's not going to happen unless readers know my book is available and that it's quite wonderful. That's where my free promotion comes in. Think of Netflix. There, all the films are free once you've paid the subscription. So giving one a try for 20mins is painless and easy. If it's unwatchable, you've lost nothing but 20 mins of your time.

So, my resistance to renting an unknown film for £2.99 is far greater than trying it on Netflix. I can still feel the stinging disappointment of the ones that turned out to be a waste of money.

If you take my book for free, you will be doing me a big favour. This is how:

1. You move me up the charts. After 1 day of my free promotion the Secret of the Scroll is No. 1 in Epic Fantasy. That means more people get to see it.

2. You give me a chance to hook you with my writing. 

3. If you read my book you might leave a rating or review. Ratings are massively important for Amazon sales. Ratings also help qualify for the book promotion services with the greatest reach. Until I get 50 reviews, I'm practically invisible.

4. Most importantly, though, you might read my book. Which is the main purpose of writing it. Forget about economics, all I really want is to be read and enjoyed.

So, you're not robbing me. There's not need to wait for the price to go up. Be my guest, take a free book now and I hope you enjoy it.

Happy Christmas

 The Secret of the Scroll

 Thanks for all your support for the first Tyrant book, The Secret of the Scroll.

There's still time to leave me a Christmas present in the form of a review.

The second book, King of the Desert, is well on its way and should be published towards the end of January provided I get my finger out and make sure the edits are all approved.

ANYONE WHO LEAVES A REVIEW FOR TYRANT 1 WILL BE ENTITLED TO A FREE COPY OF TYRANT 2!

We're working on the cover which will look something like this:

Washy-Wishy?

I saw this thing on the BBC website and loved it enough to want to tell you about it. As a writer, I love words and what they can do. I also recognise that years of practice have instilled in me some basic rules that serve me well. A writer's job is to tell a story and not to advertise the way in which the story's being told.
If I write a clumsy sentence, or even a single inappropriate word, the reader is immediately pulled out of the situation my protagonist is faced with and back to reality. Do that often and any reader will put down my book in disgust and give up. Having a compelling plot and interesting characters isn't enough. The story needs to flow in a way that a reader will find comfortable and satisfying.
There are many craft books out there that help a writer to understand what works and what doesn't. However, there are some extremely powerful rules that are instinctive and rarely expressed.
Take this, for instance:

Adjectives in English absolutely have to be in this order: opinion-size-age-shape-colour-origin-material-purpose Noun. So you can have a lovely little old rectangular green French silver whittling knife. But if you mess with that word order in the slightest you’ll sound like a maniac. It’s an odd thing that every English speaker uses that list, but almost none of us could write it out.
The Elements of Eloquence by Mark Forsyth

Break this rule and, as the man says, you'll sound like a maniac. Which will be off-putting to your English wonderful readership. ARRGH! See what he means?

Of course there's more too it, there always is. I can almost hear the cries of Big Bad Wolf. What about that then? Shouldn't it be Bad Big Wolf according to the rule, even though that would sound pretty awful?

The brilliant Mr Forsyth explains:

Reduplication in linguistics is when you repeat a word, sometimes with an altered consonant (lovey-dovey, fuddy-duddy, nitty-gritty), and sometimes with an altered vowel: bish-bash-bosh, ding-dang-dong. If there are three words then the order has to go I, A, O. If there are two words then the first is I and the second is either A or O. Mish-mash, chit-chat, dilly-dally, shilly-shally, tip top, hip-hop, flip-flop, tic tac, sing song, ding dong, King Kong, ping pong.

So linguistic reduplication is so important that it outranks the adjective sequence.

We don't have to learn any of this, it's all natural. Which makes it so powerful because my readers don't spot that I'm breaking any rules, they only know that it sounds wrong and they don't like it. So they stop reading. And I don't want that.

No more washy-wishy prose for me, I'm getting Mr Forsyth's book. 

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Elements-Eloquence-Perfect-English-Phrase/dp/1785781723/

a Bit of a Rant about Publishing

If you're reading this then you're almost certainly a reader and you might even classify yourself as a writer. I've written lots in this blog about the process of writing and my own personal experience. It's been a while since I had a proper rant about self-publishing so I'm going to indulge myself. It's Christmas, after all. Or it was not so many weeks ago.

There are lots of books out there. Millions and millions of them. Not many of them are worth reading, even so there's not enough time to read all the good ones. What I'd like to see is a better way of getting through all the dross to find books that are worth my valuable time to read.

We all know that everyone can self-publish at the click of a mouse. This doesn't mean that everyone should. Quite the reverse. This wonderful opportunity should surely be used with discretion. Self-restraint should be the order of the day but I've seen very little of that recently.

I estimate that there are about three million self-published titles. I doubt that one per cent of these are readable. That leaves three hundred thousand that have been reasonably well written and professionally edited. My bet is that one per cent of these, three thousand, are books that I would find enjoyable. Problem is, how do I find them?

About half a million titles per year get traditionally published in the UK and US combined. One of the features of traditional publishing is that they sell books like vegetables. Once they've had a couple of months in the shop window, they get replaced by new fresh produce. This is in sharp contrast to the self-published market where it's very rare indeed for an author to unpublish their beloved opus.

Traditionally published titles have a greater chance of being good books, properly produced and generally readable. Let's assume that a whopping ten per cent would interest me. That's fifty thousand books a year, about a thousand times the number I read.

So, for me, the statistics, even though I'm making them up as I go along, are compelling. I don't have the time to search amongst all the dross for that rare self-published gem. My chances of a good read are greatly enhanced by sticking to the traditional offerings. For this reason, I have never bought a self-published book. Occasionally, I might have a 'look inside' but this generally only serves to confirm their appalling lack of quality.

What's the answer? How can self-publishing be improved to overcome the reluctant buyer like me?

For a start, writers can stop publishing crap. That would even the odds a little. Completing a first novel is a wonderful thing and something to be proud of. Self-publishing it is almost always a big mistake. Very few of us are able to produce work of merchantable quality first time round. Conventional wisdom suggests that a writer needs about a million words of practice. That's the equivalent of ten full length novels. Ten. No matter how special a talent you might be, you're going to need lots of practice and tuition.

Writers can get valuable encouragement and learn their trade by joining a writers' circle and attending writing courses.

Once a writer has produced a good chunk of work, there are useful books on craft that may be helpful. You may even be lucky enough to find someone to read your work who doesn't care about your feelings.

It's a good sign when a writer stops being precious and protective about their work. I'm afraid that most writers never progress to this important stage which is necessary in order to work constructively with an editor. Every writer needs a professional and talented editor.

There you go, rant over for the time being.





photo credit: _Hadock_ Study Time via photopin (license)

Reviews

This isn't a review site. Usually. Today I'm making an exception.

I like watching TV and I like watching films. I rejoice at the freedom the internet has granted me to watch more or less whatever I want more or less whenever I want to.
There's also the ability to use a ten minute rule without the inconvenience of wasting money or having no alternative. If I'm not captivated within that time, I simply find something else to watch.

I suspect this technique is fairly widespread and applied not only to the visual arts but also to books. We writers need to take lessons from films and television to learn the art of grabbing attention and holding it.

The first item I want to tell you about is a film called Rurouni Kenshin.

I do like kung fu movies, I'm a big fan of Bruce Lee and Kurosawa's Seven Samurai is one of my favourite films. Rurouni Kenshin achieves the almost impossible by bringing a general atmosphere of compassion and gentleness to a story that is essentially a series of fights, some of them quite bloody. The leading character plays a big part in this by being remarkably attractive. He brings to mind Tripitaka from the Monkey TV series. If you remember him you'll know what I mean.
There are two more films in the series, I recommend all three. At least give them the ten minute test.

The second offering I have for you is In the Night Garden. This is something I have been watching in the company of my 2 year old grandson. It's what lets him know it's time for bed. As soon as Derek Jacobi says someone's not in bed he looks guiltily at the screen and heads for the stairs.

I started off being mildly irritated by the whole thing but now it seems to have invaded my subconscious to the extent that it can surface at any time and I start singing the Iggle Piggle song. The facet that the Ninky Nonk can be small (as in the background of the picture) at one instant then big enough to accomodate the entire cast the next doesn't bother me any more. We're all in a dream and reality is only a single facet of that illusion.

These are two very different examples of how to captivate an audience. The brutal opening sequence to Rurouni Kenshin contrasts starkly with the character who emerges into the light. His struggle with inner demons makes for compulsive viewing. At any moment, his peaceful intent may crumble and then he'd be lost forever.
In the Night Garden celebrates the comfort of repetition and familiarity. Nothing much happens. Exactly what your mind needs to slow down and be ready for rest. The entire programme is formulaic to the extent that you can always tell how far you are from the end and, of course, bed time. It's very weird, but good weird.
There's a lot to be learned from films and TV that works. I ask myself what makes me feel connected with the characters and how the author has managed this process. I also need to know what keeps my interest until the end, has me on the edge of my seat.

Next week, I may review Timmy Time and Deadpool. On the other hand, I probably won't.

photo credit: id-iom Why don't you just switch off the television set? via photopin (license)

By Source, Fair use, Link

How the universe works

Ever wondered what makes everything the way it is? As far as I can make out there's just one fundamental law that governs everything, it's called the Second Law of Thermodynamics. This states simply that the entropy of any system always increases.

So there you have it. That's all you really need to know to understand how the universe works.

I could stop writing now but I won't. It may be that one or two of you would like an illustration of what the Second Law means.

OK, here goes. If you put a drop of ink in a pool of water, the ink will spread out until the pool is a very light shade of blue. That's the Second Law in action. It may seem innocuous and a bit obvious but it really does have huge significance. Let's take another example. Drop a sugar cube into a cup of hot coffee. The sugar cube disappears because the sugar dissolves. No big deal, you might say. But, consider this. NO MATTER HOW LONG YOU WAIT THE SUGAR CUBE ISN'T COMING BACK.

The diffusion and the dissolving are not reversible. That's entropy for you.

Another word for entropy is chaos. The world we live in moves inevitably from order into chaos. There's nothing we can do about it. The Law is the Law.

It may be that we experience time the way we do because of entropy. Without entropy, time could go either way. It wouldn't matter if it went backwards or forwards. The drop of ink coalescing in the midst of clean water would be just as likely a state as any other. But it's not. The way I see it, the Second Law ensures that time only moves forwards for us, never back. Which is a pity because I've just sent my two main characters in the SF novel I'm writing back to 1977. I'm struggling to come up with an alternative theory that circumvents the Second Law. Any help would be appreciated.

So, if the universe is a cup of coffee and we are grains of sugar, we know what's going to happen to all of us at some time. We'll dissolve away, lose our individuality and become part of the coffee.

The least we can do is to make the universe a tiny bit sweeter.

photo credit: only alice descent via photopin (license)

Nanowrimo

It's November and time for the horribly named Nanowrimo which provides encouragement for writers to get down and write like hell for a month. 50,000 words is the target and it takes daily dedication in order to achieve it.
I've often referred to the desirability of a daily writing habit and how writing just a little bit every day can accumulate into a major work like a novel. I write about an hour or so most days, sometimes much more but rarely much less. This gives me an output approaching Nanowrimo proportions most months of the year.
As you can see from the banner, I entered Nanowrimo in 2014. I did this specifically to write the fourth Jenny Parker thriller when I'd already committed myself to a fantasy trilogy and a SF novel. It wasn't going to get done otherwise.
The reason for telling you this is twofold. First, if you need an excuse to write every day, a word count objective can be helpful. Secondly, I want to describe what happened to my script after Nanowrimo.
The first draft of Exit Strategy, as it has become titled, was actually 90,000 words and was written during October, November and December 2014. I then put it in a virtual drawer and carried on with my fantasy novels. In the middle of 2015, I went back to it and tidied it up so that I could send it to my editor. She did her work and issued me with her usual very detailed and perceptive structural edit. This provided the basis of a rewrite, which I completed in May 2016 and called the second draft. This went back to my editor and she provided another detailed report which was used to create a third draft which I sent her in September 2016. This third draft, notably, included a new beginning, a new ending and several injections of pace into the middle. It also changed much of the plot. In other words, draft three was a very different novel to draft one. A much better one in fact.
Draft three was submitted to my editor and she marked up all the areas that needed attention in order to maintain consistency. Draft four was produced a couple of days ago and has now gone back to my editor for a line edit. Up to now, all the editing has concentrated on plot and structure. Now I've established what I'm writing about, we can start working on how it's been written. The line edit will smooth over the words so that my readers can enjoy the story without being constantly dragged out of it by clunky expressions.
I expect the line edit to be done by the end of this year. Then I'll have to go through it and make the changes necessary before the final process, proofreading, is done. Proofreading clears up glitches, typos, formatting inconsistencies and that kind of thing. Once that's done, Exit Strategy can be published.
In summary, I finished 'writing' Exit Strategy at the end of 2014 and expect it to be published in early 2017.
Many people do Nanowrimo and self publish immediately. If I had done that, you'd be getting something quite awful, virtually unreadable and certainly not worth your time.
After two more years of work, Exit Strategy will be the best it can be. And I can be proud of that.

An Encounter with Jenny Parker

I always get caught out by flight times. 8 am sounds like a reasonable time to fly but it's not. They say I have to be here two hours before, it takes an hour to drive and I need at least half an hour to shower and get ready. Counting back brings getting out of bed time to 4.30. Half past FOUR!
It's hardly worth going to bed.
Add in the stress of travelling, of tossing and turning in bed worrying about the trip, being scared that the alarm won't go off or the motorway will be closed.
They say to get here two hours before flight time and I always obey. There's an automatic response built into my emotional make up that gets very scared at the prospect of being even a few minutes shy of the deadline. As usual, though, I'm through security and waiting in the departure lounge wishing I'd used the 90 minutes I have to wait here for extra sleep. Six am would have been a much more civilised time to roll myself out of bed.
I sit on the hard seat wondering if my dignity would allow me to lie down and have a nap like many others have opted for. It won't. No surprise there.
A lady comes over and sits next to me. This is doubly disconcerting as there are lots of empty places where she could be in splendid isolation, as I hoped to be. She also looks a bit familiar, as if I should know who she is. I think hard but I can't pick her out from the checkout assistants and CBeebies presenters that spring to mind.
'You don't recognise me do you?' She says unhelpfully.
'Erm, it's early, I'm still half asleep.'
'That's no excuse,' she says, 'I'm Jenny Parker and you've written four books about me.'
'You can't be,' I say.
'Because I'm a fictional character?'
'Yes.'
'Because I'm the product of your imagination?'
'That's right.'
'So where does you imagination get its ideas?'
'I really have no idea. Thoughts just pop into my head and I write them down. Sometimes I don't even know what I've written until I read it back.'
Jenny smiles but it's not a warm kind of smile, more of a long-suffering kind. 'What makes you think that you're any more real than I am?'
That's a good question and not one that is easy to answer even for someone fully in possession of their faculties. 'I'm a writer, you're a character. You depend on me for your existence.'
'If I didn't exist then you'd have nothing to write. Then where would you be?'
I begin to think about the consequences of her turning up in the flesh. What if my so-called imagination is just recording something that's actually happening? I'm always telling people that my characters, especially Jenny, never seem to do what I intend. That they seem to have a will of their own. I can't help feeling responsible for the extremely hard time she's been having, though. 'Maybe I should write something good about you. Give you a nice easy life from here on in. Would that help?'
'It's a bit late for that now,' she says.
'What about I change the ending of the latest book?'
'That would only confuse matters. Why not just let things be as they are for a change? Leave me to get on with my life without all the dramatisation.'
She stands up, 'that's my flight,' she says. 'I don't want to miss it.' Then she merges into the crowd and disappears through Gate 27.
'You won't,' I say. I imagine she's going to London to negotiate a rather important deal involving Russian Oligarchs and the Italian Mafia. I do hope she keeps her wits about her.

Accountants

Sometimes I get asked why my protagonist, Jenny Parker, is an accountant when most thrillers are written about members of the police force or private detectives. My answer is simple. The Proceeds of Crime Act 2002.

This legislation has changed the whole dynamic of criminal activity. Previously, the job of a criminal was to rake in as much cash as possible while avoiding the police and the taxman. After 2002, the business became a whole lot more complex. No longer were the bruiser, the enforcer and the hitman the arch-criminal's most important ally. A new regime evolved in the criminal fraternity. The accountant came to the fore. Without one, organised crime syndicates were lost. Having huge piles of cash became a liability rather than an asset. Converting ill-gotten gains into legitimate money that could actually be spent was the new priority.

I also believe that any plot that can be resolved using violence leaves a lot to be desired. Who's got the biggest muscles or largest calibre weapon doesn't do it for me. Jenny has to survive in a world of danger with only her wits and determination. Nor does she have the safety net of an institution like the police force.

So that's why Jenny is an accountant.

There's a fourth Jenny Parker novel, Exit Strategy, that is scheduled to be published in December 2016. Although I say it myself, it's the best one yet. I invite you to catch up with the others while you're waiting.

I enjoyed reading this particular review of Due Diligence because it reflects the way that the money laundering regulations affect every one of us.

5 of 5 people found the following review helpful

 Absorbing Read, 5 Jun. 2013

By 

Anderida

Verified Purchase(What is this?)

This review is from: Due Diligence (Jenny Parker Book 1) (Kindle Edition)

I couldn't put this down. So glad I wasn't reading this on a bus or train because at times I was near to crying in frustration at the cruel fates suffered by the protagonist Jenny. I could easily empathise with the "Kick me when I'm down" life she is experiencing. May say more about me than the book! Minor, occasional suspension of belief (see other reviews) is a small price to pay for a thoroughly absorbing novel, which after all is a work of fiction to entertain, not a treatise on money laundering.

(Have you tried to open a bank account recently? I couldn't open an account to pay in a cheque from the Inland Revenue because it was in my old married name after I had reverted to my maiden name following my divorce. I'd tried paying it in to an existing bank account but they returned it saying I had told them I was the only resident in my property when actually there were two people - yep, me -married name, and me -maiden name. Caught by the money laundering rules for £1500 from the tax man! You couldn't make this up.)

Anyway, this novel is entertaining, absorbing, gets your sense of injustice working overtime and is just a very good read.

photo credit: Bank of England Fan of £50 notes via photopin (license)

Being Precious

If the world were perfect, this is what I'd look out upon from my writing desk.

In reality, it's more like this:

Waiting for things to become perfect before I write would mean waiting forever. The myth of that perfect time and place being out there is one that we writers often delude ourselves with. I know, because I do it all the time. In reality its just another way of putting off getting down to work. Because writing is hard work and none of us like hard work, do we?

I used to think that I couldn't possibly write anything meaningful until I was older. The age at which I would suddenly blossom into the next Vonnegut or Banks was always unspecified. My best option was to wait until I got there and then start writing otherwise what I wrote was bound to be rubbish.

I was, of course, deluding myself. Don't make the same mistake. Nor should you ever feel that life has passed you by and that starting now will be too late. These are only excuses for not writing so don't be taken in.

We are writers. We have to write in order to live our lives the way we are meant to. It doesn't matter one jot whether we are critically acclaimed or even read and enjoyed. These are bonuses that few of us are blessed with. What matters is that feeling we get when we've written something.

Off you go. Get writing. Don't let me distract you.
















photo credit: Sunset via photopin (license)

photo credit: 'Rainy Streets', United States, New York, New York City, East Village via photopin (license)

Phlogiston

In 1703 a scientist called Stahl put forward a theory that combustion involved a substance called phlogiston.  Wood, for example, was  a combination of ash and phlogiston. When it burnt the phlogiston was released and the ash left behind. Metals could be made by taking a metal compound and adding phlogiston. Soot, or carbon, was almost pure phlogiston, which explains why heating it with a metal oxide yields the pure metal.
Phlogiston remained the dominant theory of combustion until the 1780s when Lavoisier demonstrated the existence of oxygen.
Why am I telling you this?
Well, phlogiston is a stupid theory when viewed from a position of 'superior' knowledge. Yet it was accepted as scientific truth for decades. What I'm wondering is how many of the things that scientists hold dear today are equally insane. Most of them, probably.
Yet, almost every idea is met with the rebuttal that it hasn't been scientifically proven. Like phlogiston.
Get my drift?
I'm currently researching the life and work of Richard Feynman, an intellect on a par with the likes of Einstein, for my SF novel, Voyager. Feynman makes the point that science can only ever demonstrate what is wrong and can never be relied on if it decides that something is right. Even if observations and experimentation confirm a theory (or a guess, as he prefers) future refinement may easily demonstrate that it's wrong. Like Phlogiston.
So, when they tell you that Homeopathy or energetic healing or Tai Chi or Yoga or healthy eating haven't been scientifically proved to be beneficial then breath a sigh of relief. Make your own personal observations. Make up your own mind. Remind yourself of science's limitations and track record.

photo credit: 282_1130.jpg via photopin (license)

Cancer

Ever since I was diagnosed with prostate cancer I've been meaning to write a blog about my experience. I've hesitated so far because of fear. It's that feeling that keeping quiet about something is safer. If I say I'm feeling great or doing well, this might change just because I've said it. Unvoiced fears are somehow less potent.
So I'll take a deep breath and have a go but please forgive me if I chicken out and bury this draft in the same place as all the others I've started during the last year and a half.

I suppose I'd had the cancer for a couple of years before diagnosis. I'd allowed the pain to increase to the level where I had to admit there was something wrong and needed to have myself looked at. Otherwise, I'd have continued in denial and continued to blame the discomfort on bruising or piles. I'd been needing painkillers in order to sleep for at least a year before I went for a prostate examination. Even then, although my psa level was 6, I demanded a recount before allowing my doctor to refer me to a specialist.

The specialist sent me for an MRI scan and a bone scan. The MRI scan showed I had prostate cancer which had spread locally and into my lymphatic system. He also insisted on performing a brutal biopsy on my extremely sensitive prostate so that he could give me a Gleason score of 4+3. I didn't see the need for this after the scan but my specialist said that he couldn't treat me if I refused to have the procedure carried out. With hindsight, I should have told him where to shove his instrument. I was peeing blood for a week just so he could write some numbers down on his form. But, hey ho, hindsight isn't granted us until well after the event.

When my specialist announced the scan results he called them 'disappointing'. He said I had a particularly aggressive cancer and that it had already spread. This meant that removing my prostate would not get rid of the cancer. I think this was the disappointing bit for him because this was essentially what he did for a living. I asked him what I could do to reduce the spread of the cancer, whether there was anything special I should eat or avoid eating. He screwed up his face in deep thought and announced that he'd heard that cooked tomatoes were good. I was put on three monthly hormone injections.

This was the beginning of my cancer experience. Once I'd absorbed the news and spent some days in fearful panic, I decided to ask for some help away from the mainstream medical system. The stuff I read on the cancer charity and NHS websites was very depressing and warned against doing anything other than things instructed by your doctor. Changing diet was bad, for example, because this could interfere with medication.

I consulted an Ayurvedic doctor. He was absolutely brilliant and provided me with a huge boost to my morale and infused me with hope. He advised me to meditate twice a day, take some supplements and gave me a reading list. Things started to look up.

I started to work with a naturopath who advised me about my diet. I cut out dairy, meat, gluten, fruit, sugar, alcohol, caffeine. I ate a larger proportion of green vegetables together with seeds and nuts supplemented with oily fish.

After six months on this regime, I had another scan. My cancer had retreated and was no longer in my lymphatic system or neighbouring organs. This, of course, was good news. My specialist put this down to the effect of the hormone treatment.

Now, a year later, I'm feeling better than I've done for years. The diet has become a natural part of my life and I genuinely don't feel deprived. I can actually eat or drink anything I want. I just choose to do what I'm doing in order to give my body the best chance I can to heal.

Everyone is different. I've been fortunate that I've had wonderful support and what I'm doing seems to be working. Not everyone can be a lucky as I am. There is, however, a purpose to everything I do. It's to put as little strain on my immune system as possible so that it can start to heal my cancer. If I distract it by making it have to clean up toxins I introduce through bad food or other forms of stress, it won't get the same opportunity. That's it really. There are no absolutes involved only gentleness and kindness to myself.

I don't believe that my cancer can be cured by medicine or radiotherapy or surgery because it's something that my own body has created in response to stress. Only by relieving this stress can I hope to reverse the process. That's why I only eat organic food, drink only reverse-osmosis filtered water and try to keep my mind and body as relaxed as possible.

So far, so good. But wasn't that what the man who jumped off the Empire State building thought as he fell past the twenty fifth floor?

photo credit: Big MRI via photopin (license)

BT Phone Home

Here is a letter that I'm sending to Libby Barr, Managing Director, Sales and Services at BT.

Dear Libby,

I received your letter of the 25th April with a great deal of hilarity followed by deep concern for the state of your business. They probably aren't telling you just how bad your customer service is, so I'll do it for them. I'm sure that it's something you'll want to get a grip of before you get the blame.

By way of background, I used to be a BT customer. You supplied my telephone and broadband until I managed to extricate myself from your clutches and the circular nature of your customer services. You'd keep me on hold for half an hour then tell me I had to talk to someone else. I'd wait on hold then be passed on yet again. Always, though, you ended up by telling me that the first person I spoke to was the appropriate one. Then I'd go round and round the merry-go-round until I curled up into a fetal ball and wept in desperation. I was glad to get out and join Sky who have the most wonderful customer service. I ring a number in Dunfermline and a pleasant Scot deals with whatever query I might have. Wonderful.

You might be wondering how I ever even considered trying BT again. So am I, if I'm honest. However, your gaudy adverts for superfast broadband at very reasonable prices turned my head. I went on to your website and started to choose a package that suited me. An online chat box opened and a very helpful man called Ajay talked me through the process. I asked  questions and he gave all the information I needed. Among the things he confirmed was the retention of my present phone number. You might want to make a note of this as it crops up later on.

Ajay even sent me a link to the customised package that suited me best. Broadband, phone and TV. I accessed the link and started to put in the details required. I got onto page two before I was denied any further progress. Your website crashed at the address stage. By this time Ajay was gone and I was tired.

The following day, I tried again. This time the website threw a wobbler as soon as I put in my phone number. I tried once more but it was obvious that it was impossible to order anything from BT on line so I used the telephone. I ordered the package I wanted but was denied the £100 voucher promised on line. Still, I breathed a sigh of relief and felt a small glow of triumph.

The next day I received my confirmatory email. It contained a new telephone number, not the one I had been told I could keep. I rang customer services and (eventually) a man said I couldn't have my old number. He did helpfully suggest that I cancel the phone element of the package and just keep the broadband and free TV. I agreed to this and he promised to send an email confirming the changes to my order.

No email arrived and so I rang again the following day. After holding for several minutes and being passed from one department to another a lady said that I had no order at all. The whole thing had been cancelled. I breathed a sigh of relief as by now the last organisation I wanted to entrust my broadband service with was BT.

I tried Virgin and it took less than five minutes to get the package I wanted. However, when I told Sky I was changing they offered me a free service for a year so I took that instead.

So all's well that ends well, or so I thought. The letter received today, signed by you, provides further proof if needed that BT Customer Service is sadly deficient. I quote:

One of our customers has told us they're moving to your address and want to take over the phone service on 10 May 2016.

No, Libby, they're not. Let me assure you of that.

Good luck sorting out the mess.

D J Harrison


I'll let you know if I get a reply. Don't hold your breath.

EU Referendum

On June 23rd we're invited to vote yes or no to the following question:

Should the United Kingdom remain a member of the European Union or leave the European Union?

We had a Scottish Referendum in 2014 to decide whether or not the Scots should remain part of the United Kingdom. They voted to remain. Now, I'm willing to wager that the vast majority of Scots want to remain part of the EU and this fact weighed heavily in their decision to stay in the UK. This highlights one of the problems with referenda as a means of deciding things. When something as big as EU membership changes won't the Scots demand a re-run?

This is what I think:

The people who decide to hold a referendum  think they already know the result. Otherwise they wouldn't be having one. The government wouldn't be holding one if they thought we'd vote to leave.

The purpose of the referendum is to get rid of the issue once and for all rather than have it constantly colouring every governmental decision. All the anti-EU campaigners can then be fobbed off with 'the people have decided' argument.

In other countries when such a referendum hasn't yielded the required result they've kept on having them until they get the result they want. Then stop. That's what we'll do in the unlikely event that we vote to leave. The government will 'renegotiate terms' and try again.

The EU wouldn't survive in its present form without the UK. Many of the more recent members rely heavily on UK trade and free passage of workers. The EU wouldn't be all that attractive for them if we left.

Most people fear change of any kind. Even if they don't particularly like the EU, lots of people will be wary of opting out in case something bad happens.

So, we're staying in.

Even if we vote to leave, we'll be asked to reconsider and vote again until we give the right answer.

Nothing much to get excited about, then. Unless you're Scottish. Pro-independence Scots might consider voting for the UK to leave so that they can have another go at independence. That might send shivers through Whitehall as the Scottish vote is expected to be heavily in favour of remaining.

photo credit: Europäische Flagge via photopin (license)

Plodding along

Sometimes its all you can do, plod along. Rapid progress is always nice but rarely achievable. Doing big things in one fell swoop is generally impossible and is very daunting. Like writing a story. Whether its a novel or a short story there's little prospect of doing everything required at one sitting.
So, best not to try.
Many times I've heard the refrain 'I'll write my book when I'm [insert here a set of conditions that might never happen].' Nobody has the time to write. There's always something that needs doing. That's why a writing habit is so important. Writing every day, even if it's only a few words, is the best gift you can give yourself.
The arithmetic involved is compelling. I can write about a thousand words in an hour. So, if I wrote for twenty minutes a day I would have 121,000 words a year. A fat fantasy novel or two skinny crime thrillers! Twenty minutes a day!
I'm sorry to bang on about this but if you can't grant yourself twenty minutes to do what makes you feel good then you're not having a good day.
So I'm telling you to write every day.
I'm also suggesting that if you don't manage to write then don't feel bad about it. Be kind to yourself. But remember that writing is actually being kinder to yourself than forgiving yourself for not writing.
Then there's another thing. Write for yourself. Don't worry about readers in general or a reader in particular. In my experience, if you don't have fun writing it then nobody is ever going to have fun reading it. Equally, if your guts aren't churning with emotion as you put down the words chances are that it will leave most readers cold.
The publishing bit has been dealt with in numerous previous posts (as has this advice). Don't worry about markets or genres or what you think might grab the eye of a literary agent. By the time you've competed your story, the market will have changed anyway.
Do seek help in improving your writing. Join a writers group, find someone to mentor you, don't take any notice of the effusive praise lavished on your work by your friends and family.
Plod.
That's my heartfelt advice.
It works for me.


Image courtesy of Freeimages.co.uk